I feel this so deeply, particularly around the waves of meaning and purpose. In a weird way, it's extremely freeing to know at any point in our life, we can turn to ourselves and be like wtf am I doing, that we can just choose a new obsession whenever we want to, and be on a new path. I used to think that meaning is an all encompassing problem that we solve once in our life and be done with, but I've come to learn that it's inherently fluid, and subjective, to our own experiences, life stages, and all the constant changes. In saying so, I still feel my best on the days I find meanings in and doing things that align with my purpose, but the days I don't feels a lot more transitional, even when there's no guarantee of me experiencing it again
Thanks for writing this! some hopefully interesting thoughts I had in reaction:
- when is the hedonic treadmill an ineffective way to think about things; when do changes to happiness levels last?
- i am not an obsessive person, but obsession does seem like an effective way to generate meaning. how would one become more obsessive? is that a bad thing to aspire towards? and because obsession has some appeal to me, some of the people i surround myself with are obsessed, so there's some selection bias when you say you're the least ambitious in the room. also, I think music *is* something like a long-term cure to emptiness (at least for me), which is convenient
- I was pretty focused on math competitions from 6th-9th grade, but effectively gave up on making MOP at some point during 9th grade. this is a major reason why i dont consider myself obsessive.
- increasing the rate at which I meet people is important and time/energy-consuming. how does one meet new people on a regular basis? (i have met lots of new people at once by starting new things, but then end up meeting fewer and fewer new people over time.) Maybe it would make sense to do things that have higher rates of turnover? I wonder what those things are.
- I try to make improving myself the primary thing that I focus on, so that part is relatable for me; there are always little (& big) things I know I could do better, and I get the double feedback of achieving my goals and also improving my life in the process. a nice win-win
I usually don't leave comments online but I've connected with the last couple pieces of writing you've created and I'd like to begin writing myself so this seemed like a good place to start :)
i feel a similar feeling,,, you've read my most recent post, where i come to the resolution "these are secondary goals, goals that happen to be easier to target, than the goal I really have—to be truly happy" and it's like, yeah, that's the ultimate goal. the objection would be "but that's so reductive/unnoble/surely you'd feel unfulfilled", but i'd argue that if i was "truly happy" i would be fulfilled or whatever. i guess it's a non-answer to the question of ambition/what to do, in that it is "i should do what feels fulfilling", but with no notion of what is fulfilling
it feels so wrong, so mundane » it is only in the mundane that we can find fulfillment tho, i think
oh my god, I feel the thing about Friendship so so deeply. I think I find myself "outsourcing" (almost) my problems in life — when I find myself losing conviction or feeling bad about myself, instead of trying to be fundamentally okay with myself I tried to find people who take my mind off things, I try to externalize my day to day life to the point I just am happy to be around these people all the time. And the winters between the amazing people in my life, and dealing with losing the people that I can truly feel safe and myself around, is so difficult. Because without them, I don't know what to do with myself except work work and work endlessly. And in a same way, I too wish I can have a thing, a person, a concept I will build temples and set myself on fire too, because that seems like the only true way to live yet I haven't found that thing yet, outside of the academic passions I have.
i luv "i have been on a search for something to build temples and immolate myself for"
https://www.openbible.info/topics/sacrifice_yourself
I feel this so deeply, particularly around the waves of meaning and purpose. In a weird way, it's extremely freeing to know at any point in our life, we can turn to ourselves and be like wtf am I doing, that we can just choose a new obsession whenever we want to, and be on a new path. I used to think that meaning is an all encompassing problem that we solve once in our life and be done with, but I've come to learn that it's inherently fluid, and subjective, to our own experiences, life stages, and all the constant changes. In saying so, I still feel my best on the days I find meanings in and doing things that align with my purpose, but the days I don't feels a lot more transitional, even when there's no guarantee of me experiencing it again
Thanks for writing this! some hopefully interesting thoughts I had in reaction:
- when is the hedonic treadmill an ineffective way to think about things; when do changes to happiness levels last?
- i am not an obsessive person, but obsession does seem like an effective way to generate meaning. how would one become more obsessive? is that a bad thing to aspire towards? and because obsession has some appeal to me, some of the people i surround myself with are obsessed, so there's some selection bias when you say you're the least ambitious in the room. also, I think music *is* something like a long-term cure to emptiness (at least for me), which is convenient
- I was pretty focused on math competitions from 6th-9th grade, but effectively gave up on making MOP at some point during 9th grade. this is a major reason why i dont consider myself obsessive.
- increasing the rate at which I meet people is important and time/energy-consuming. how does one meet new people on a regular basis? (i have met lots of new people at once by starting new things, but then end up meeting fewer and fewer new people over time.) Maybe it would make sense to do things that have higher rates of turnover? I wonder what those things are.
- I try to make improving myself the primary thing that I focus on, so that part is relatable for me; there are always little (& big) things I know I could do better, and I get the double feedback of achieving my goals and also improving my life in the process. a nice win-win
I usually don't leave comments online but I've connected with the last couple pieces of writing you've created and I'd like to begin writing myself so this seemed like a good place to start :)
i’m the lowest conviction + lowest ambition person in every room i walk into » haha same!
i have been on a search for something to build temples and immolate myself for » https://fxtwitter.com/cjquines/status/1768066812858577119
i feel a similar feeling,,, you've read my most recent post, where i come to the resolution "these are secondary goals, goals that happen to be easier to target, than the goal I really have—to be truly happy" and it's like, yeah, that's the ultimate goal. the objection would be "but that's so reductive/unnoble/surely you'd feel unfulfilled", but i'd argue that if i was "truly happy" i would be fulfilled or whatever. i guess it's a non-answer to the question of ambition/what to do, in that it is "i should do what feels fulfilling", but with no notion of what is fulfilling
it feels so wrong, so mundane » it is only in the mundane that we can find fulfillment tho, i think
haha same! » this is Objectively False and i can say this with certainty because you document all your hangouts :P
oh my god, I feel the thing about Friendship so so deeply. I think I find myself "outsourcing" (almost) my problems in life — when I find myself losing conviction or feeling bad about myself, instead of trying to be fundamentally okay with myself I tried to find people who take my mind off things, I try to externalize my day to day life to the point I just am happy to be around these people all the time. And the winters between the amazing people in my life, and dealing with losing the people that I can truly feel safe and myself around, is so difficult. Because without them, I don't know what to do with myself except work work and work endlessly. And in a same way, I too wish I can have a thing, a person, a concept I will build temples and set myself on fire too, because that seems like the only true way to live yet I haven't found that thing yet, outside of the academic passions I have.
so true bestie :')