batteries

lately i’ve been taking in how different each day is. some days i feel a great sense of togetherness and wholeness, other days i feel utterly alone and unloved, even though my friends have not changed much. resolve fills the air with energy like a thunderstorm, then it clears out and doesn’t come back for a week even though the goals have been the same the whole time

different parts of me feel differently about the variance. as a human being enjoying life i don’t really mind - it keeps things interesting and i’ve learned to follow wherever the day leads me. in my various roles trying to get things done - as a student, an engineer, a blogger, and so on - it sometimes gets in the way. if i were founding a company or otherwise trying to push my entire life in a single direction, those fluctuations would probably be the bane of my existence

dr k suggests that the key to consistency is 1) realizing that you only exist in the present and that every day you wake up as a different person 2) developing compassion for your future selves. i don’t think he is wrong, though i also think getting a better handle on day-to-day variance would go a long way towards becoming more consistent

i’ve been paying attention to the various types of batteries out in the world. excess solar energy flows into lead and lithium ions to be released when it isn’t sunny outside. bears overeat and live off fat in the winter. i collect free snacks in my backpack so that i never have issues when i go on long walks or work late

what would batteries to solve loneliness look like? i know that you love me, but i don’t see you very often and sometimes i forget things when i am alone. can we store care and attention and presence to be released when they are most needed? someone once recommended to me that long-distance couples exchange lots of possessions for this reason. i wonder if maybe friends should too. i wonder what else we can do

one vision i had for the future - friends write programs that live on each others’ computers and interact in very simple ways, like occasionally changing the playlist or drawing flowers on the corner of your screen or something. i think we will invent very wholesome ways to transfer presence, and we will also invent very cringe ways of doing so (like badly-designed digital avatars)

what would batteries to store motivation look like? to some extent i already know the answer, because i’ve been building them for myself for years. you set alarms and notifications for your future self and you arrange your tabs and leave yourself TODO messages in such a way that after taking a break or going to sleep you can continue right where you left off from. you form communities and companies and tell your friends, you convert personal willpower into social energy, and if you do a good job then the social energy persists and you can tap into it later. i hate how coworking is sometimes framed as “social accountability to get work done” because other people can provide far more than just accountability

i don’t mean to flatten the days and make them all identical. but i do think some of the most valuable things in my life come in short bursts and i wonder how i would feel if they were distributed more evenly