intersections
there’s probably a name for this that i’m not aware of
lately i’ve been trying to better understand the fact that i frequently switch between different modes of behavior. for instance:
my default attachment style is relatively secure, whereas with my parents i am extremely avoidant. i believe this is because my relationships with friends and acquaintances reward openness, sharing feelings, expressing discontent, and so on, whereas my relationship with my parents doesn’t
similarly, my default mindset is one of abundance, but in certain scenarios i switch entirely to a scarcity mindset. i think this is because i view most resources in life as abundant, while there are a few that i have found to be truly scarce. to be more specific: it’s taken me a while but i’ve learned that money, knowledge, opportunities, etc. are essentially limitless, and, on the flip side, the scarcest resource in this world is the time, attention, and presence of someone who is very busy. (is it selfish that i find it difficult to share things freely until i’ve convinced myself those things aren’t scarce?)
i think it’s important to clarify that these differences aren’t just changes in behavior (of course people behave differently in different contexts); they are more fundamental changes in my personality and values
i am comfortable in most of the day-to-day situations i encounter because i am extremely familiar with each of the individual modes i operate in. when i look back on the situations where i’ve felt most uncomfortable recently, almost all of them involve cognitive dissonance from multiple modes intersecting - for example, when i was in the presence of both my parents and friends at graduation. in these situations none of my modes feel natural to me so i tend to freeze and stop engaging entirely and retreat into myself, which usually entails staring off into space and not talking to anyone and thinking about whatever has been on my mind (i am sorry if i have ever done this in your presence, i haven’t figured out the right way to handle these situations yet)
i think it would be convenient to have one mode i always operated in, but there isn’t a single version of myself that i want to manifest all the time. part of me thinks it’s extremely useful to be able to become different people in different settings. another part of me thinks that this is a problem, that the fact that i need multiple modes is a sign that i have deeper insecurities that need to be resolved, that Normal Healthy Well-Adjusted People should have a single version of themselves they’re always comfortable with. i have no idea if this is true or not
if you care about kegan's stages, stage 5 is partly about holding the contradictions at the same time. something something i contain multitudes
"fundamental changes in my personality and values" sounds so strange to me. like i wouldn't call it your personality or values if it only happens occasionally
“All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves.
And yet after such a great number of years, no one without faith has reached the point to which all continually look. All complain, princes and subjects, noblemen and commoners, old and young, strong and weak, learned and ignorant, healthy and sick, of all countries, all time, all ages, and all conditions.
A trial so long, so continuous, and so uniform should certainly convince us of our inability to reach the good by our own efforts.... What is it then that this desire and this inability proclaim to us, but that there was once in man a true happiness of which there now remains to him only; the mark and empty trace, which he in vain tries to fill from all his surroundings, seeking from things absent the help he does not obtain in things present? But these are all inadequate, because the infinite abyss can only be filled by an infinite and immutable Object, that is to say, only by God Himself.”
― Blaise Pascal