it never ends -

the feeling of being on the outside looking in, of not knowing how to introduce yourself, of trying to speak only to have your throat run dry and your lips sealed and your face flushing brighter and brighter with embarrassment. standing alone and searching for other people to talk to only to find that everyone else is already occupied, joining in conversations only to be rebuffed, ignored, talked over - how many times must i burn before i stop trying to play with fire?

went to a retreat for interact last weekend. basically they gather ~100 young tech-adjacent people to hang out in the woods for a few days. it was a pretty fun time that i have some mixed feelings about (i was actually considering not going at all, since it’s a very techno-optimistic crowd and i’ve been going through a pessimistic phase lately, but that ended up not being an issue). there were a few people i had good conversations with and will hopefully stay in touch with in the future, but there was also a much larger set of people that i really struggled to talk to

the feeling of being overwhelmed, of having your awareness pulled in a hundred different directions by a hundred different people, of splintering your schedule into smaller and smaller pieces until one day you realize your attention is so fragmented and your mind is so shattered that you can no longer function like you did before. the knowledge that you are at capacity, that you do not have more time to give to other people than what you have already been giving, that any hour spent with a new friend is an hour not spent with an old friend - but what if i don’t want to spend my days choosing between people?

here’s a thought that’s been brewing in my mind lately: there are people whose friendships form because of the first impressions they give off, and there are also people whose friendships form in spite of the first impressions they give off. all my life i’ve been firmly in the second group, constantly bumping up against the limits of awkward speaking patterns and physical unattractiveness and a dozen other barriers. it’s no wonder that i have a much better time meeting strangers who’ve found my blog than those who haven’t - my presence on the internet introduces me far better than i ever could. i thought i overcame all these barriers while in college but after interact i think perhaps it’s more accurate to say that i merely avoided them

the feeling of meeting people so different from anyone you’ve ever met before that you can’t help but question everything - your ideas of self, of what is possible, of what kind of life you could or should be living. every time i think i understand the people around me someone new comes along and surprises me. i wonder if i will ever stop being surprised

the main highlight of interact for me was a q&a with tom kalil, the head of tech policy in the clinton and obama presidencies - it made me realize that there are a lot of tech-adjacent roles i’d probably enjoy more than tech itself and it’s extremely unlikely that pure engineering work is the best use of my time or skills. after all, i think it’s pretty clear at this point that i’m decent but not exceptional at engineering, and that i often find nontechnical work equally/more interesting

the feeling of being lost among a sea of people who aren’t, of being with people so dedicated to the unwavering pursuit of a single goal across years and decades that it makes you want to get down on your knees and devote yourself to something, anything, and to douse yourself in oil and set yourself on fire. i always admired people who were like that. why keep around this mass, this dull flesh, when you could burn in service of something else? if only i knew what to self-immolate for