on getting unstuck

this post is a mess because it was supposed to be multiple posts

something that’s become clear to me in the time since graduating is how easy it is to get stuck on things. stuck on your career because your role isn’t good for growth, stuck on emotional development because you’re being stunted by an unwillingness or inability to confront something, stuck on creative ideation because your brain keeps going in circles. it is so easy - maybe the default path, even - to not make progress for weeks and months at a time. i think my life had been progressing linearly for so long (school is very good at making this happen!) that i’d forgotten you could feel stuck in this way

the only reliable antidote i’ve found to getting stuck is talking to people. probably my favorite thing about my current job is that i can have really honest conversations with coworkers about anything, that we can share feelings and stories and predictions freely. i don’t think it’s a coincidence that work is the only part of my life where i don’t often feel stuck right now. good support really helps, and i’m missing that in everything else i’m doing at the moment

there’s a specific kind of support i have in mind, one that is open and friendly but also analytical and skeptical. i’m guessing this is the value of a good therapist, though i wouldn’t know as i haven’t actually had one yet. anyway, when i say “analytical and skeptical”, i mean this:

recently i had the realization that i spew a lot of bullshit - not intentionally, if i knew that what i was saying wasn’t true i would stop saying it - and i need people in my life who can call out the bullshit properly. by bullshit i mean: opinions i used to hold but no longer do, stale stories that are no longer relevant, ideas i heard about somewhere else but haven’t actually thought through, words that don’t match with actions. i try to deal with these things myself but it’s often much easier for someone else to notice when something is bullshit. and while i loved my last few years in school, i’m realizing now that i’ve actually had very little of this kind of critical feedback. (a lot of that is probably on me for not opening up in the right ways and for appearing composed / sure of myself most of the time)

another idea i’ve been thinking about lately is what i call Just Asking. i think if you ever feel stuck or confused or think you are missing information you should Just Ask, and it really doesn’t matter who you’re asking or what you’re asking about. a lot of topics that feel personal or taboo are things you can Just Ask even to people you’re not friends with, and if you do happen to ask something the other person considers off-limits no harm is done as long as you asked in a respectful way. (and tangentially, i think one of the signs you’ve found good people to be around is if Just Asking often gives helpful responses)

you should Just Ask how people you look up to got so good at the things they’re good at. you should Just Ask people who seem interesting how they approach relationships and work. and maybe most commonly of all you should Just Ask people how they really feel about you, or if the confusing sentence they said earlier meant what you thought it meant, or if that thing you did yesterday offended them. i’ve decided life is too short to spend it wondering what other people think of you, and that’s not something you can figure out on your own anyway

the counterpart to Just Asking is Just Telling People. sometimes people get confused when they interact with me and i’m trying to get better at Just Telling Them whatever context they’re missing. like: here’s how to tell when i’m joking or ignore the disinterested facial expressions i’m just tired or checking out of conversations usually means i’m bored or i trust you less after X happened. the other day my boss said vincent i’m often curious what you’re thinking about and i told them please Just Ask next time, i’m happy to talk i just don’t always do it by default

another thing i’ve realized i need to Just Tell People about is negative emotions. for the longest time i avoided this because i thought telling people about negativity would only strengthen it - by implanting it in other people, by reinforcing the circuits inside my own brain, and so on. i thought that, say, telling people about my fear of dentists would entrench that fear and make me more scared of dentists, whereas if i just kept it to myself and didn’t think about it much it’d fade over time. of course the issue is that keeping your fears to yourself doesn’t actually prevent you from thinking about them; if anything it just allows them to fester. and on the other hand i don’t really know why this is the case but for some reason i’ve found telling other people to be one of the few good ways of letting things go and freeing my mind. it is much better to Just Tell People than to think in circles

there are many benefits to community-building but i’ll just state this one because i rarely hear it articulated: i think good communities unblock people and prevent them from staying stuck for too long. and more generally i think many of the insights we’re looking for can be found in the minds of the people around us. i don’t really understand why we’ve decided to put up so many barriers - some combination of protective + hoarding instincts, i guess? - but it reminds me of that kealoha wong line:

“We are not cavemen anymore. There are no sabertooth tigers lurking in the shadows, yet most of us cling to our fears like the animals we evolved from. What are we so afraid of? We've been etching the same patterns in the same predictable places for years. Why do we live the way they tell us to? And man, who the heck are they anyway?”