the dog days are coming

i have been thinking about dogs again

sometimes when i am tired during work i walk around the office and find my favorite dog. usually she is lying on the ground next to her owner, and i will sit on the carpet beside her and pet her from behind. behind, not in front, because after all these months i am still terrified of dogs, of their claws and teeth, too scared to approach them head-on. but i am learning, and with this dog i have learned that if i pet her for five to ten minutes without interruption she will eventually feel safe enough to roll onto her back and expose her underside to belly rubs

i am trying to become better at caring for people and this is good practice, an exercise in patience and consistency and trust, all things i have been bad at my entire life

when i think about dogs i am really thinking about the people i love. of course i know the tendency to anthropomorphize is a deceptive one - but i am here to write about myself, not about the inside of a dog’s head, so i think the offense is forgivable

while i am petting the dog i often feel that it is the only thing i know. i have no treats, no tricks, nothing in the toolkit of a real dog owner; i am helpless in a way that is not far from how i feel in my relationships with other people. the truth is that in spite of all the ways i’ve grown socially i often still feel inept and powerless - i can hold conversations now but i do not know how to invigorate or inspire, i can communicate more effectively and less violently but i do not know how to make my friends happier, i can read people better but i do not know how to find the words they need to hear

all i can really do with dogs is pet them and stick around until they feel at peace; all i can really do when i am with you is listen and linger long enough to lull you to sleep. this is one component of what people mean when they talk about safety and it is the only thing i really really understand about relationships; on everything else i find myself inadequate

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i have been mildly sad for the last month and one thing that’s become glaringly obvious is how much better i feel when i talk to my friends about literally anything. i think this is great - i love talking to my friends - but sometimes it also worries me, because part of me has always prized self-sufficiency and independence

i didn’t really notice until writing this, but prioritizing independence led me down some bizarre paths during my gap semester (spring 2021). i was spending all my time trying to understand dharma and practicing stoicism and focusing on gratitude, i built up so many systems for regulating my own feelings and assigning meaning to my actions and becoming self-sufficient, and at some point i convinced myself that i’d finally figured out how to be happy without relying on other people. i no longer remember why i sought this out so eagerly. but what i can say for sure is that it was all some kind of elaborate self-deception - in the years since i’ve realized that, actually, i still suck at being alone, and nowadays i can take care of myself and eat well and exercise and do a good job on work and still feel awful if i don’t talk to people i like

it turns out being complete on your own is more difficult than my 20-year-old self imagined

in december i wrote a somewhat bad post where i asked various friends why they cared about other people, and one reader responded saying that loving other people takes the focus off themselves and helps them break out of rumination. i didn’t understand at the time, but looking back i think this explains many of the crushes i’ve had. “it is so easy to abandon the self, as the lover becomes a constant daydream which life interrupts.” i wonder if i am making the same mistakes again and again

to be honest i still don’t really understand why, at a fundamental level, it is so difficult for most people to just sit by themselves. it is a little absurd that some of us want to avoid this so desperately that we fill up entire lifetimes with activities and people and entertainment. i genuinely feel like i have made peace with myself, so why do i still squirm when i am left alone with nothing to do? what about that is so frightening or unpleasant?

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a few weeks ago one of my friends told me her type was founders. she explained it so enthusiastically - i love the juxtaposition of head in the clouds and feet on the ground, the thrill of leaving everything on the line, the mix of passion and drive and sacrifice and obsession, the tinges of darkness and sociopathy that come with extreme ambition. i think building together is the most romantic thing you can do. i can understand why that archetype of person would be appealing; i would be lying if i said i’d never felt the same way. the ongoing question is whether that is who i want to become

these days i am wondering if my current job is the right place to be. i wonder if it is truly possible to do good research in industry without any prior experience. i wonder if i have enough control over my direction in a team that is constantly pivoting. i wonder if i can really love what i am doing or pursue the questions i am most curious about with the ground shifting beneath my feet. and as a result i have been entertaining ideas like starting a company or going to grad school (funny how i seem to always expect that the solution to my problems is to make them more difficult)

i’m reminded of that line from a guide to options at the end of the world - “I think about all the ways that people who hope to impress some beautiful dream upon the world yet end up caught up in side quests justify the work they’re doing.” at first i thought it was a warning about the realities of founding a startup, but now i realize it’s a warning about the reality of trying to accomplish anything at all. this does not mean we should not try to do things; it just means pay attention to all the side quests you are taking on. i worry that if i stay i will begin taking on too many side quests in the near future

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the dog days are rapidly approaching - just last week sf was sweltering and i was sweating and melting in the sun. soon it will be june and summer will enter with a roar, and then i will smash my life to pieces and try to put it all back together. everything will change in the months to come and i am not prepared even though i will be the driver of it all