there are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed

(awkward grammar in title is not my own)

“Fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step…

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.”

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sometimes i hang out at my former office and catch up with coworkers and it’s surprisingly pleasant. people seem to be having a good time and making progress and reforming in important directions. someone joked that things got better after i stopped working, which is probably true though i don’t think the effect is causal

it’s the kind of interaction that makes me think: were all the problems just in my head the whole time, me making mountains out of molehills? why was everyone else able to endure something that i thought was flawed beyond repair? what exactly caused our paths to begin diverging?

many situations in my life - jobs, relationships, various commitments, etc - have followed the same pattern: everything feels alright, enjoyable even, for a while. over the course of a small number of days, my perspective turns upside-down and i conclude things are deeply broken. no matter how hard i try i am unable to unsee what i have seen or fix things, so i exit the situation. some time passes and everything feels fine again, and then i wonder if there were ever really any issues to begin with

i don’t regret any of my major decisions to exit a situation, but they still confuse me sometimes, especially in comparison to those of the people around me. i often feel like my friends are willing to endure more than me - more pain in friendships and relationships, more dissatisfaction at work, and so on - and sometimes i wonder if i’m the problem here (though of course i know things like “how much unpleasantness are you enduring” are impossible to compare across people)

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one thing i’ve realized recently is that the first step of “everything feels alright, enjoyable even, for a while” is very deceptive. there are nights where i feel extremely stressed or sad, and these nights usually come after periods of feeling fine, rather than periods of feeling discontent. i rate every day in my journal and can see that the bad days are rarely consecutive

or, to phrase things more directly: i think indifference is not a sign that things are okay; it’s a sign that you’re sleepwalking through life and not paying enough attention to your feelings (which could be positive or negative). feeling alright for a while and then suddenly getting overwhelmed just means you ignored things that were present all along until your subconscious forced you to stop. i feel fine (end of story) is a warning that something bigger is just out of sight

for instance, sometimes when i call my best friend i have very little to say. i used to think that was a result of there truly being very little to say, but actually it’s always because there’s an emotional blocker to sharing. occasionally the blocker is something harmless like fatigue but more often it’s something important like unresolved conflict, and understanding that is helpful for fixing problems earlier. i am trying to get better at paying attention to indifference / lack of words / lack of feelings as an indicator of health