turbulence

on the open road all cars eventually diverge from one another. this fact was not obvious to me until my third or fourth road trip. so many times i would see a car traveling at a speed similar to my own and i would think oh, this is fine, i’ll just stay behind that car for a while, and then one of two things would happen - the other car, imperceptibly faster, would travel a few inches more every minute and eventually pull away; the other car, imperceptibly slower, would eventually become a hindrance so significant that i had no choice but to overtake it

i never thought i would be a passer. my adolescence: driving at the speed limit, staying in right lanes, risk aversion to the extreme. the first time i tried to pass someone last year it took me four attempts because i wasn’t used to accelerating so quickly. but what i have realized in recent months is that, on a sufficiently long trip, every driver must become a passer

when i say that highways feel violent, this is usually what i mean - not physical violence (though of course car accidents happen all the time and shouldn’t be understated), but emotional violence, the constant forming and cutting of ties, the aggression that often comes with overtaking someone, the knowledge that no matter how many other cars are on the same road you are in the end traveling on your own. unfortunately i must admit that in some twisted way i have learned to enjoy the chaos

lately i’ve been thinking about how bad i am at co-evolution. from a blog i liked: “This is what I infer when I see someone who is comfortable in their unique strangeness, too. There probably exists someone who enabled that evolution of personality. A parent, a friend group, a spouse. It is rare for people to come into themselves if no one is excited and curious about their core, their potential. We need someone who gives us space to unfold.” there are many people i attribute my growth to, but none for more than a few months at a time, and that’s probably my fault. i thought better communication would help, but everyone agrees i am a much better communicator than a year ago and i cannot tell if much else has changed

i think one of my problems is that i love turbulence - i love that one day i’ll think i have the best job in the world and the next day i’ll think i should leave imminently, i love that my mood resets every time i go to bed, i love that depression and elation often come days or even hours apart. in april i was waiting to board an overnight train at union station when an amtrak employee announced that we were indefinitely delayed because the train crew was nowhere to be found, and i was devastated about the prospect of having to cancel all my plans for the next day, and then an hour later the crew showed up and we boarded the train and i felt total bliss even though the setback i overcame had been entirely pointless and artificial. is it a character flaw, that i love turbulence even when it accomplishes absolutely nothing? (yes, i think it probably is, and i think working on this would enable me to have more stable long-term relationships)

one of the most surprising things i’ve learned from following basketball is how viciously franchises refuse to settle. teams will spend years developing stars and building around them and winning games and making it further and further into the playoffs, and then they’ll blow up the roster and trade all their favorite players away and return to the lottery the moment they realize they’re not good enough to win a championship. it is the kind of ruthless efficiency that leaves me both inspired and horrified

i once told my boss that i experience two kinds of regret - quitting things too early, and sticking around for longer than i should have. somehow i am now experiencing both kinds of regret at once - i think i have exhausted the initial wave of learnings in the current configuration of my life, but also that there are deeper learnings i am unable to access at the moment

i often think about this monologue from bojack - “Look, the wedding was great, but that’s not real life. I mean, I guess I got a happy ending, but every happy ending has the day after the happy ending, right? And the day after that. So, the wedding was so much fun, it was the happiest day of my life but, you know, what does that say about all the days I have left?” the night before my first day at imbue i had the strong urge to email my coworkers and tell them that i was quitting and would not be showing up. (nothing against imbue specifically; this is a feeling i have every time i’m about to start something big.) part of this is a fear of the unknown and of commitment, but i think part of this is also fear of discovering the day after the happy ending

am i about to blow things up because i think there’s something better within reach, or because i can’t bear for this to be the end? it’s difficult to assert that things aren’t working when they’ve worked so well in the past. i wish that i could grow together with you, but i find that i am already letting go