conversations on communication
notes from a year’s worth of 1:1s
these are my notes from every 1:1 i had with my boss at my previous job, with all the company-specific discussion censored so you’re only getting the non-work content. we often talked about communication because it was one of my biggest weaknesses and L is likely the most effective communicator i’ve ever met. i’m not sure how useful this will be for other people but i hope it’s at least interesting? in any case i owe a lot of my growth over the past year to L and am very grateful for these conversations
september 2023 - you should Just Ask
L: so what do you want to talk about next
V: uhh… i’m really not used to leading 1:1s. this is making me uncomfortable
L: why is that?
V: i guess i’m scared of picking the wrong topics, like, what if the other person has a lot of valuable things to say but never says them because i’m the one deciding all the conversation topics?
L: if that’s your concern you should just check in on the other person and ask. this should never deter you from driving conversations
october 2023 - filtering, sharing feelings, conversation mediums, care
V: as i get more comfortable working here i’ve been filtering less and less, and i think it’s become a problem. like last week i was being careless and made a bad joke that really offended C. maybe i should be filtering more
L: actually, C appreciated your apology afterwards
V: oh
L: i don’t think filtering is the right way to think about communication. clear communication is about encoding your thoughts in a way that can be properly understood by the recipient, rather than deciding which thoughts to send over
L: different communication strategies like i-statements, NVC (non-violent communication), etc can help you encode your thoughts in a way that removes charge and ambiguity so that the other person can understand your original intent
V: that makes a lot of sense. don’t you think i should at least be filtering more than i currently am though?
L: well, filtering more will not make you better at communication, and in fact you need to gather more data so that you can figure out how to encode your thoughts better. i also think alienation and repair are important for strengthening relationships, so some miscommunication is fine as long as you’re good at mending the damage afterwards
…
L: your face is not very expressive, especially in larger group meetings
V: yeah i know, is that a problem though?
L: well, if you want other people to know how you’re feeling, facial expressions are very useful for indicating that. i used to be the same and then i literally practiced facial expressions in front of a mirror until i got good. alternatively, you can just say how you’re feeling explicitly
V: is that just meant to be a crutch until you get good at facial expressions?
L: no, even after you’re good at facial expressions it’s still important to frequently say how you’re feeling. you can’t expect everyone you meet to be good at interpreting your face and body language, so if something is important you should just tell people
…
V: i get annoyed when arguments start in larger meetings, because some people are very verbose and talk one at a time and then disagreements take forever to resolve
L: this annoys me too. it’s hard to get people to be less verbose than what they’re used to, so one thing i've been trying to do when i notice disagreements is to have everyone type their thoughts out on a doc so that we can resolve everything faster
V: i see, so you mean changing the medium of the conversation instead of its contents
…
V: i’m trying to figure out why i care about other people. like, obviously i know that a lot of people care about others because other people give them things they need, but what are the best non-selfish non-religious reasons to care about people?
L: i’m not going to answer this question directly, but i will say that it’s important to get better at recognizing and receiving other peoples’ care. otherwise you end up with a story that you’re giving a lot of care and not getting any back, which is usually not true, and this often leads to feeling frustrated and giving up on caring about others
V: oh yeah, this is what happens in a lot of peoples’ relationships with their parents, right?
L: yes, peoples’ parents often try to give them care in ways they do not need or are bad at receiving, and oftentimes this results in the kid not recognizing the care at all
L: it’s also interesting that the reason we feel alienated from our parents is because we’re trying to connect with them. the point of separation is the point of contact
january 2024 - bluntness and NVC
V: what are the best ways to avoid accidentally lashing out at people when you’re upset? i guess the only strategy i’m aware of is to wait until i’m not upset before talking to them
L: that works, but it can be difficult
V: yeah, because i may not realize i’m in a bad mood, or because the mood can potentially last for a very long time and it’s not feasible to wait it out
L: yep. probably you should also work on being less blunt
V: i thought about that, but i really like the fact that i’m a very direct person and i don’t know if i want to change that?
L: no, directness and bluntness are different things. you can learn to be direct without being blunt. bluntness feels like being hit on the head. directness is about allowing the other person to understand what you think
V: okay, what does directness without bluntness look like?
L: you might want to start with the classical NVC approach - leading with an explanation rather than a declaration, “when you did x i felt y”, clarifying the scope of each feeling so there’s less room for misinterpretation, and so on
V: yeah okay i’ve been procrastinating on reading this book but will do it soon
L: it’s also helpful to ask what the other person thinks afterwards, both to check for miscommunication and because it usually makes the other person feel better
L: oh and one last thing is that if you know you’re upset it’s helpful to explicitly say that to properly set the other person’s expectations
february 2024 - models of other people, understanding vs evaluating
V: ok, i read the NVC book, but i have some points i’m confused about
V: i guess the first one is that you often talk about having models of other people, but how does that relate to staying on your side of the net and not making assumptions about others (which NVC considers to be emotional violence)?
L: i think it’s helpful to have models of other people. violence / crossing the net is when you assume that your models are correct. so for example i will have models of people but regularly check in with the other person about them and try to poke holes in the model and refine it to be more accurate. the model is often a reflection of you as much as it is of the other person anyway, because of projection
V: sure, but how do you know when it’s a good time to check in with someone about a model? it’s not something you can do constantly, and we’re always grappling with our own stories of what we think other people are
L: i think it often arises naturally out of interactions. what’s an example of a story you have about me?
V: okay, i think you’re always busy so i shouldn’t bother you
L: right, so you will often ask something like “are you busy right now?” and if you notice yourself repeatedly encountering this busyness story then you can instead ask a question like “how true is it that you’re always busy?” to engage at the story level instead of the interaction level
V: interesting… i will think more about this later
V: the other thing i was confused about is making comparisons - the NVC author says to never make them, but i think evaluating / comparing / judging people is often useful?
L: yes, this is a good point. the author of NVC is a peace negotiator and evaluation is not that useful in peace negotiation, but it is useful in other places
L: in general i think there are 2 modes for processing information - understanding and evaluating. most people default towards one of the two
V: yeah, i default towards evaluating, like deciding whether something makes sense or if it’s a waste of time
L: right, so context determines which mode is the right one to be in. one common problem people have is failing to notice when to switch modes. for example, since i default to understanding mode i will often take too long with decision-making or meetings will run way over, whereas K defaults to evaluating and will often discard an idea because it’s not correct when really they should’ve been trying to understand the elements of truth in the idea even though it’s flawed
march 2024 - repair, support
V: a long time ago you told me relationships are strengthened by alienation and repair. does this mean you deliberately try making people uncomfortable to accelerate this?
L: no, the alienation will happen naturally because of differences within people. repair is meant for repairing those natural breaks, rather than something you specifically strive for. but i think it's important to not try to avoid the periods of alienation - that often results in worse relationships, like being nice instead of kind
…
V: how do you think about communication when the other person is feeling bad?
L: well, the first thing is probably just to take everything the other person says less personally
V: yeah, that makes sense
V: i feel like NVC will also often suggest saying something really cringe like “it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated”, which doesn’t seem natural to me?
L: yeah, this is one of the problems with NVC, in some settings it sounds like therapist-speak
L: in general i think the other person is usually looking for emotional, intellectual, or somatic support. by somatic support i mean things like hugs
V: i think i’m often looking for somatic support but don’t get it very often
L: yeah, it can be tough. do you initiate lots of hugs?
V: not really
L: that’s probably important. i think by default we assume most people are averse to hugs. hugging people gives them the impression that you like hugs
V: okay, so i think it’s somewhat clear what intellectual and somatic support are. what do you think emotional support actually is concretely?
L: i think it’s often about making sure the other person doesn’t feel alone in whatever they’re feeling. so you want to commiserate in a way that is respectful and genuine
V: i assume you don’t mean things like “i remember a time when i also felt X” which is often super annoying
L: yeah, i don’t mean anecdote sharing. i think it’s more like, bringing up a mental state similar to the one the other person is in, and then reacting to feelings with them?
march 2024 - checking in on your models, getting other people to share things
V: so a while back we talked about checking in on your models of other people. and obviously if you realize you’re under the influence of a model like “i think X dislikes Y” it’s good to check with the other person about it. but my real question is, how do you know when you’re under the influence of a model?
L: actually, you’re always under the influence of your own models
V: okay, sure
L: i’m being serious though. i think it's good to build up a habit of always checking what stories and models you're being influenced by
V: is this something you do?
L: yes, i will often ask myself things like "what story do i have? what are the ways in which it could be wrong? what are other stories that could be true instead? what's another way to see things?" i think this is also good for freeing yourself from grudges and resentment
V: interesting. i guess i always thought of high social awareness as getting better at nailing the story down on the first try and simply not being wrong, and i spent a long time trying to get better at that
L: you actually are quite good at making inferences and nailing stories down on the first try, compared to the typical person. but even the very best people are not right that often, so it’s important to adjust your stories often. you will never get to the point of being very consistently right on the first try
L: and the other thing is that practicing the “what might i be seeing incorrectly?” will make you better at getting things right on the first try, so you should do it anyway
…
V: okay, we talked about checking in on your own stories about other people. what about checking in on other peoples’ stories about you?
L: yeah, this is quite important. the default in communication is that the other person doesn't share what's inside them (either they don't know or they do know but don't share), so the goal is to help the other person develop and express their stories
L: with you specifically, i think people may not tell you things because they assume you’re not interested. that’s kind of the energy you give off
V: aw ok, yeah people tell me i often seem judgemental
L: to get people to tell you things, you need to make space for the other person and signal both interest and safety
L: so for example, one way to demonstrate interest in the other person’s thoughts is to ask more open-ended questions. i notice you tend to ask very specific questions about things you care about, which can give the impression you don’t care about other peoples’ thoughts in general
L: and then things like reacting to the other person, asking follow-ups, remembering things and referring back to them are also helpful
V: yeah, this makes sense. i think i’m better at the things you just listed, but it is true that i’m often trying to get very specific things out of people
L: so one question i have is, what is your internal state? do you actively want to hear people say things, or is it just that you're willing to put up with listening if they do want to say things? i’m usually always in the first state, and K is usually always in the second state
V: hmm, interesting. i think with people i care about i’m in the first state and with everyone else it’s the second state? but i will think more about this
L: the last thing i’ll say about responsiveness is that people have reported you’re way friendlier and more responsive over zoom than in real life, and it may be worth figuring out why
may 2024 - self-communication
V: what do you think are the main non-technical growth areas i can work on?
L: so i think you’ve actually gotten a lot better at 1:1 communication
L: two other kinds of communication that you’re not as good at are group communication - like gathering collective intel, group consensus, getting things done, leadership - and self-communication, by which i mean that i think you tell yourself a lot of unhelpful stories which limit your perspective and make you more dissatisfied than warranted
V: that makes sense. do you have any stories in mind?
L: not yet, we can talk about this more some other time
july 2024 - IFS and various self-stories
V: so recently i had a breakthrough where i realized i was blocking myself from expressing a lot of positive feelings because i didn’t feel safe expressing them growing up, and this was preventing a lot of positive feedback loops from kicking in
V: i guess i’m confused because i only figured this out last week, but you pointed out in one of our very first 1:1s that i was blocking the expression of various feelings. so i’m wondering why you didn’t push harder on this if you’ve known about it for literally an entire year
L: well, we are similar people so i suspected early on that you were blocking feelings because it felt very similar to how i used to behave, but i didn’t want to assume that it was due to childhood trauma or whatever just because that was true for me
V: i suppose. i still think it would’ve been helpful if you’d commented on just the symptoms instead of trying to do a diagnosis though
L: yes, i agree
V: one concern i have with breakthroughs is that i think people are often bad at translating short-term realizations into long-term changes
L: that’s true sometimes. it’s also true that sometimes you really do resolve the emotional core of something and then it just goes away
V: yeah, so one thing i’ve noticed is that i am a lot more expressive now in settings where i feel safe. but in settings where i don’t feel safe i tend to revert to my previous self
L: this is very common. are you familiar with IFS (internal family systems)?
V: i understand the general concept but haven’t actually tried it
L: okay, so you should look into this more on your own time, but at a high level one of the ideas in IFS is that you have child and protector parts and the child parts sort of hide when they’re not safe so you end up with only the protector parts, which is the behavior you’re describing
L: so the general thing you want to do is to ask the protector parts why they exist and the child parts why they're hiding, and coax them into realizing that things are okay. to do so it can be helpful to deliberately activate the protector parts. you can do this by thinking about past triggers and statements you have a strong reaction to
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V: sometimes i feel overwhelmed by all the problems in my life. by problems i mean big things like “idk what to work on” but also smaller things like being bad at fashion and not being physically flexible. and then i get into this frantic planning state where i block out my schedule to address all the problems
L: the scheduling instinct seems helpful on a tactical level but does not actually address the core issue of you feeling overwhelmed by problems
V: yeah, i know. and i know that i shouldn’t be viewing all of these as problems but instead as opportunities or whatever, but that still doesn’t help with feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of them
L: well, do you have a clear prioritization of the problems?
V: i’m not sure. i feel like there are many objectives to consider when prioritizing. for example, some problems are obviously more important but also maybe some of the smaller problems can be resolved faster so i should focus on them first anyway?
V: but also, in some sense i think having many optimization objectives is just a form of hedging and indicates that i don’t really know what i want
L: that sounds right. i think the tactical and logistical planning can help to some extent but the thing that will help more is doing some feelings work to better understand what you want, and that will make everything else much clearer
…
V: i think one of the biggest things holding me back as a researcher is a fear of being wrong. like, sometimes there will be experiments i am not enthusiastic about setting up or running because i’m not excited about the outcome, so then i work more sluggishly. and there’s a related fear of ambiguity too i think
L: that makes sense. so where do you think the fear of being wrong actually comes from?
V: um, not sure, being wrong just feels bad?
L: i think a lot of people think this but there’s almost always a more specific cause, like “i’m scared of people yelling at me about being wrong”
V: maybe? i am not really aware of any more specific causes right now
L: thinking about child and protector parts might help you figure this out
L: i do think it’s good that you really really want to get better at research though. it ends up being a medium that surfaces many other things about you. wanting to be a better founder served a similar role for me
this was very helpful to read, ty for posting
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