I have a very different story from meeting you this summer at Imbue. You consistently came across as interesting, likeable, and authentic - and I got this impression from meeting you in person, not from reading your blog. This article is perplexing to me because I suspect that all of my friends would immediately like and understand you.
Also you don't need to be Bill Clinton 2.0. At least from my experience, if you're not outgoing, some very interesting people will approach you because they know you won't reach out to them first. You also don't need to "like people" in the sense you describe. You just need to like a small number of specific people who like you back.
this resonated! one thing that has helped me consistently be interested in people is Henrik's strategy of always telling himself that there's "something I don't understand here" — https://open.substack.com/pub/escapingflatland/p/perceptive
As someone trying to find her tribe in New York, this was a helpful framework to analyze my experiences through. I think I struggle with both transparency and authenticity at times (though usually not at the same time) - and friction on either front clues me into whether the environment I’m in is the right one for me.
An approach that I found did not serve me was only getting to know the other person without disclosing much information about myself - and I think that builds on your point of liking other people. I think you have to assume that they will like you too to share authentic bits of yourself even if it’s unprompted and trust that the right people will find that delightful (but also take the hint when there’s a lack of chemistry over repeated interactions) - I.e. bringing ur best self to the conversation instead of trying to sus out the other person.
I relate to having high opaqueness. I’ve realized I generally struggle with being open with my feelings - especially negative ones - with people in my life. I suspect this is in part due to how I was raised, as I still don’t feel super comfortable sharing my struggles with my parents (and vice versa).
Maybe that could be why you find it easier to connect with people who get to know you through these posts, as it can be easier to be transparent through writing. You get more time to process your thoughts and the ability to bring up uncomfortable topics on your own terms.
The graph you shared was an interesting take on personality and connecting with others. In all fairness I think many people’s social skills suffered as a result of being isolated during covid, especially if you were in your twenties, which I feel like is a critical period of sorts for socializing.
I wonder if you talked more about the topics you write about during in-person conversations if that would help with keeping in touch with friends! I’ve found that if I increase transparency with people, we have a higher chance of finding mutual interests and developing a friendship from there.
Really interesting that you split this into two axes since I tend to think of these two concepts as sort of the same thing. Would you say that some who's inauthentic and transparent is failing to hide the inner version of themself that they're trying to cover up or is it more about people connecting with them on a shallow level but not a deeper one?
Im' very conflicted. I think I'm very opaque and inauthentic, and so I'm naturally hard to love. So perhaps I need to become more authentic, or more opaque, but at the same time, in my pursuit to become something else, I am no longer myself. I am inauthentic. It sounds like a riddle.
Generally, I think there's a bigger problem with "authenticity", what is your authentic self? And how does that work when you're changing. If I used to be a certain way, should I undress and expose my naked self or should I dress like the person I want to be, and let people fall in love with that ideal, even though it's not "authentic" (yet)?
i think authentic is easy, and transparency is hard. and i think this is probably true for most people.
i feel like part of the reason is that transparency-opaqueness has a lot more factors. at least for me, i find it difficult to pick a spot on the axis because it depends so much on the specific situation. im sure there are people who are extremely consistent across situations, but i dont find transparency easy to enter into at big events versus in my class on a tuesday afternoon. i dont know what axes “transparency” would decompose as though.
Just found this blog, very cool!
I have a very different story from meeting you this summer at Imbue. You consistently came across as interesting, likeable, and authentic - and I got this impression from meeting you in person, not from reading your blog. This article is perplexing to me because I suspect that all of my friends would immediately like and understand you.
Also you don't need to be Bill Clinton 2.0. At least from my experience, if you're not outgoing, some very interesting people will approach you because they know you won't reach out to them first. You also don't need to "like people" in the sense you describe. You just need to like a small number of specific people who like you back.
this resonated! one thing that has helped me consistently be interested in people is Henrik's strategy of always telling himself that there's "something I don't understand here" — https://open.substack.com/pub/escapingflatland/p/perceptive
ofc the blog / writing stuff is also more curated, which also helps
yeah i agree that's a large % of the effect
but also many of the events i go to are also supposed to be curated : (
As someone trying to find her tribe in New York, this was a helpful framework to analyze my experiences through. I think I struggle with both transparency and authenticity at times (though usually not at the same time) - and friction on either front clues me into whether the environment I’m in is the right one for me.
An approach that I found did not serve me was only getting to know the other person without disclosing much information about myself - and I think that builds on your point of liking other people. I think you have to assume that they will like you too to share authentic bits of yourself even if it’s unprompted and trust that the right people will find that delightful (but also take the hint when there’s a lack of chemistry over repeated interactions) - I.e. bringing ur best self to the conversation instead of trying to sus out the other person.
I relate to having high opaqueness. I’ve realized I generally struggle with being open with my feelings - especially negative ones - with people in my life. I suspect this is in part due to how I was raised, as I still don’t feel super comfortable sharing my struggles with my parents (and vice versa).
Maybe that could be why you find it easier to connect with people who get to know you through these posts, as it can be easier to be transparent through writing. You get more time to process your thoughts and the ability to bring up uncomfortable topics on your own terms.
The graph you shared was an interesting take on personality and connecting with others. In all fairness I think many people’s social skills suffered as a result of being isolated during covid, especially if you were in your twenties, which I feel like is a critical period of sorts for socializing.
I wonder if you talked more about the topics you write about during in-person conversations if that would help with keeping in touch with friends! I’ve found that if I increase transparency with people, we have a higher chance of finding mutual interests and developing a friendship from there.
Thank you so much for writing this!
Really interesting that you split this into two axes since I tend to think of these two concepts as sort of the same thing. Would you say that some who's inauthentic and transparent is failing to hide the inner version of themself that they're trying to cover up or is it more about people connecting with them on a shallow level but not a deeper one?
Im' very conflicted. I think I'm very opaque and inauthentic, and so I'm naturally hard to love. So perhaps I need to become more authentic, or more opaque, but at the same time, in my pursuit to become something else, I am no longer myself. I am inauthentic. It sounds like a riddle.
Generally, I think there's a bigger problem with "authenticity", what is your authentic self? And how does that work when you're changing. If I used to be a certain way, should I undress and expose my naked self or should I dress like the person I want to be, and let people fall in love with that ideal, even though it's not "authentic" (yet)?
Great post btw
So real
i think authentic is easy, and transparency is hard. and i think this is probably true for most people.
i feel like part of the reason is that transparency-opaqueness has a lot more factors. at least for me, i find it difficult to pick a spot on the axis because it depends so much on the specific situation. im sure there are people who are extremely consistent across situations, but i dont find transparency easy to enter into at big events versus in my class on a tuesday afternoon. i dont know what axes “transparency” would decompose as though.
the word is opacity
they are both words in fact
ok but authenticity. rhymes with opacity. have you considered
ur cooking